the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
