I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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