I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
