we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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