in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
