I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
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