His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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