Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
