for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
