I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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