five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
