i don't like sucking hair
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
