I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
