I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
