So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
