Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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