While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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