I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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