I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
