My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
