I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
