I wish my penis had an off switch
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I don't deserve a penis
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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