Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
