I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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