Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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