whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
