i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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