He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
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It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
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I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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