Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
