I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
