Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
