We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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