Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
