someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
