I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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