I heard we made out
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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