dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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