you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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