All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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