I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
