chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
