MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
