What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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