I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
