he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
