): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
i love accidental penises.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
