We're like a lot better than the average bears
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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