i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
