your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
