i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
