You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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