I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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