hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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