what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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