I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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