I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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