hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
