she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
So many bounce houses so little time
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
