I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
